One Year Out…

Pretty much everyone except me has a different thing that comes to mind when you hear “one year out”.

The US is 1 year out from being in a pandemic lockdown.

I am 1 year out from my most recent relapse.

I was about 80 days post bone marrow transplant when they found leukemia blasts in my blood.

One bone marrow biopsy and lots of blood work later, it was confirmed that my leukemia had returned… post bone marrow transplant…

Now, this was mid February 2020, and my BMT nurse practitioner still didn’t think that COVID was a threat, but everything else was(specifically, the flu). HA HA HA WOW can we go back to that please?!?!?!? Ohhhh how much things can change in 4 weeks!!!

Anyways, I won’t go into crazy detail about that part of my treatment and journey as I’m trying to go through it in order… so stay tuned on that part!

I had my monthly checkup appointment on Monday Feb.15th, and it went really well! 

I have graduated to bi-monthly appointments!!!!!

I have been on monthly, or weekly, appointments for 27 months since I was diagnosed.

This slightly terrifies me. 

I want to be monitored.

The last time I relapsed, a year ago, I had NO SYMPTOMS. 

I can’t tell if my anxiety/scanxiety will go down or go up… honestly, the roller coaster of emotions just gets more complicated as the time goes on!! #cancerproblems

Many people think that once you’re done treatments and you’re in remission you’re fine…

ha ha ha hahahahahahah

If only. If. Only.

Being in remission(for the 3rd time!) has been much harder than being in treatment. And then throw this freaking crazy pandemic on top of it… my poor brain truly can’t handle any more.

I need a reset. 
We all need a reset. 

When I was done with treatment the first time, I took 2.5 months to ease back into life, travel to see friends and family, and enjoy life being cancer free. 

I felt like I was ready to go back to work and life my “new life”. And I had been through MUCH less at that point.

And then 4 weeks back into work, I relapsed for the first time.

My “last weekend of normalcy” was early August 2019… 6 months prior to the pandemic. 

I am hoping to go back to work, remotely, sometime this spring. That will be my first step back to “normalcy” and my “new life”. By the time I go back to work, it will be almost 2 years since I haven’t worked.

I am hoping to move out of my parents house sometime this summer after I save up a bit of money. That will be my next step towards normalcy.

I won’t be moving out until I am allowed to go out to a restaurant and have a few friends over. What’s the point of spending all of that money moving out to sit in an apartment all by myself? No thanks!

Hopefully I will be taking my first vacation with friends in 3 years later this summer. 

I’m hopeful that my friends’ wedding(that I’m in) in mid July will happen.

I’m hopeful that I am taking many baby steps towards living my “new normal”, on top of the world’s new normal from the pandemic. 

So much has happened in the past year, and then sometimes it feels like not much has happened at all.

The Sparknotes version would be: 

My leukemia returned, for the SECOND time – right when I was allowed to go to a restaurant and be somewhat social for the first time in 3 months.

I did my first round of chemo, and was deemed cancer free(for the 3rd time!) after that round. 

I did 3 more rounds of chemo(all outpatient). 

I lost 40 pounds of fat but also a lot of muscle. 

I got a booster of cells(DLI) from my donor. 

I spent 4 weeks at the shore with my family. 

I spent 1 week at my summer camp on the Chesapeake Bay(by myself).  

I spent another 4 weeks at the shore in late fall/early winter(by myself).

*I had to be by myself because I’m not allowed to stay with anyone that hasn’t quarantined. I did see a few friends outside for walks.*

My brothers were able to come home for almost 3 weeks for my 30th birthday and Christmas(after quarantining together for 2 weeks). 

I read 30 books in 2020. 

Other than those easier standouts, I’ve done a lot of behind the scenes work. 

Some of those books were self-help books. #Untamed

I’ve analyzed what makes me happy; and what stress is good stress(motivating) and what stress I don’t want or need in my life.

I’ve realized I need boundaries for my mental health. 

I’ve had to really dig deep to find things that spark joy and fuel my soul. It’s hard to do when I’m not allowed to do many of the things that I love, but that made me dig deeper to find more things that I can do by myself that make me feel like me from the inside out. 

So, we are all 1 year out… what have you learned? Leave a comment below!